An Announcement all chapter

Story about Jack's pilgrim

My name is Jack. I'm 36 years old. I'm a father of two children. One of them is a 10-year-old boy. The other is an 8-year-old girl. Today, I came to this park with them. I can't remember the reason why we came here, but I ascribe it to my children. They might hide feelings about something that has uncomfortable. As a reaction against this feeling, they asked me to go somewhere nice. Why do they have such an uncomfortable feeling? As I explained, the 3 of us came here. You might well ask where my wife is. Well, it's so tough to talk about my wife, you might happened to notice, because we divorced. She claimed that she wanted to get parental custody, but regarding economic aspects, the family court judged that I should take care of the children. I won a tug-of-love. I was, in other words, was to be the winner.
The next day after the judgement, I was so elated. Emancipated from the shackle of fighting, I even thought of myself as a hero. Hectic the time had been, I was feeling like returning from the war field. But as time went by, I gradually felt that I had been wrong. Were there any other choices? I asked myself again and again. Yeah, I won the battle, but after all, I lost something important, something very important. From that time, I suffered from shallow sleep. These days, I found myself tired. Even now, I managed to keep myself awake. I think about myself more.
I'm an executive director in a brokerage firm. Having graduated from a university as a top student, I worked as hard as I could. I met my wife at the university. We might have met at a welcome party my friend held, I recollect. We were the same age. I remember that the first talk we had was about a world atlas. I've loved world atlases since my childhood. As we gradually knew more about each other, we were fascinated. We married after we got jobs when we were 23 years old. Not bad story, at least, at that time. We were happy, maybe.

"Dad, are you sleeping?"
I'm afraid I had fallen asleep. Who did I talk to? OK, leave it now. I found myself sitting down on a bench. In front of me, my daughter Bella stood.
"Sorry, well, where is White?" Replied I. By the way, White is my son's name, you know.
"He went to the lavatory." Replied Bella.
"I see." I looked at a clock. It was settled on next to the bench I sat down on so that I had to look up at it with nearly bending backward. It pointed out twelve thirty. I probably was fallen asleep at twelve twenty assuming that I sat down on that bench at that time. Ten minutes, a little bit long. Perception of time was component of human beings, I think. However, this talk is not appropriate for this occasion.
"Bella, when did you notice that I was sleeping?"
"Well, I've just noticed, daddy, you talked with me a short while ago!"
Bella got a little angry. It was natural. I disclosed on my own that I was not interested in her talking heartily. In fact, I didn't remember what she had talked. One point I can remember was my thought that she resembled her mother these days, my wife in the aspect of both appearance and characteristics. She has big brown eyes, long eyelashes, short brown curly hair and a knobby nose. And like the way my wife got angry, the way of scolding me, the way of smiling, even the way of crying, she resembled her. Honestly, she resembles the girl who I loved when I was an elementary school student. I don't have any idea how she will resemble her mother any more. All I can say is two facts. One; If Bella gets to resemble her mother more, I'll be confused more. Two; I'm a jerk.
"I'm sorry, Bella. Can you wait for a minute? I'll go and look for White."
No sooner had I heard her reply than I stood up and looked for White. White resembles me. Unfortunately, he resembled me in both appearance and characteristics as Bella resembles my ex-wife. Like me, he is so sticky, strict with others and tends to exaggerate himself. These days, I wondered where everything has gone wrong. I added one more to my list. Third; The fact that White resembles me.

White wasn't there in the lavatory. The lavatory had four rooms, and three of them were being used. I hesitated to knock on the doors guessing what would they occupying rooms think seeing one man, who knocked on the door, wouldn't come in. I decided to wait in front of the door nearest the exit. Was I maybe, no, definitely suspicious. The most suspicious in this world ever. While I awaited, a man asked what I was doing. I cheerfully replied to him that I was waiting for my son, and he nodded. No matter how hard I try to pretend I'm a good man, it tends to be somewhat different what I aim at. At that very moment, two doors opened. Who were in there were men, both fat and bald. Again I fell into an awkward situation. Why they had to go out from simultaneously? I thought they were brother or lover in their previous life. As is often case with me, I have always been awkward. White has been so, too. The last door still closed silently. I hoped White to be in there, otherwise I wouldn't excuse him over my situation. Excusing, which is, no, has always been my priority. I have always been trying to pretend I was right since my childhood.

I was born in a small port town. I was the only son my parents had. They seemed to be so glad to have me. At least, when I was a child. They never had any children except for me. I didn't have any idea why they hadn't had another child but that was that. How could I guess? I grew up without any troubles, without any fears. I think they loved me as much as they could. All the more, it was natural for them to except me to be something excellent. They believed I'd succeed in something special. I tried to make everything right only to fail to do so. Whenever I felt frustration, I regarded myself as a blockhead. I couldn't make friends. I wasn't encouraged. I wasn't praised. Yes, I wasn't praised. I couldn't reciprocate what my parent hoped. That was engraved in me deeply, so deeply. Like a shell in a seabed. The shell keep on sleeping. Sometimes it is opened and is sort of bubbling. The last door opened. As silent as it had been closed. The scenery is like a shell I imagined in a way. That silence embody disappointment similar to bubbles. A boy came out, but he wasn't White. I walked out from there hurriedly, feeling conspicuous gazing at me. White wasn't in there. I couldn't even find my son. I didn't mean anything. I couldn't find friends in my life. I wasn't praised. It was as always as this. And that is how I missed my son, White.

When I got back, Bella had disappeared. I sighed. Why did they both disappear? I don't know. At first, I thought this was something like a trap conducted by them. Those two were content with me over divorcing their mother and intrigued to coax me into going to this park.
After thinking, though it was needless to think, I noticed that was a ridiculous idea. There were various ways to get back at me if they wanted. They might just get lost. However, if they get lost, I'd have to find them. Whether they consider me so or not, I am a father. I am their father, no matter what.

"Thank you for visiting this park, everyone. This is an announcement about lost children. Here at the Information Center, we have a little boy White and a little girl Bella. Would the person taking care of them come here, please?"

The announce was broadcasting.

After broadcasting the announce, the loudspeaker began to play music again. That music was like oxygen. It was just there. Nobody paid attention, but it was certainly there. One difference was obvious. If oxygen vanished from this space, we would all suffocate. If the music vanished, would anybody notice? If anybody did, they wouldn't die because of it. I decided to go to the information center.

Though there was the bus running around the park, I decided to walk because walking took me to there earlier than taking on a bus. As the information center located within walking distance, I guessed I could get to there while I waited for a bus.
On the way to the information center, I saw the recycle center. That was established as the embodiment of an eco-friendly commercial architecture. One young man was working outside near it. He was piling up empty cans. That young man's face was energetic. I thought he was in his twenties. Almost the same age I met my wife. Never did I dream I would end up divorcing. That young man seemed to notice me then he waved his hand toward me smiling. I waved my hand too. He was smiling, though, I noticed that something was hidden under his face. I didn't know what that was, but I felt I had happened to know it.

"Have a nice day, gentleman!" He saluted me.
"Thanks, you too." I replied.

The Information Center was located about ten minutes from where I was by walking. The facade was a cream white wall, the roof was painted dark brown. One big door which was the same color as the roof was was in the middle, two glass windows were set in on the right side. Through the glass windows you could see inside but this time I couldn't see anybody in there. It was strange that nobody waited for me. Really? Wasn't it natural, was it? Here was the Information Center. How do we get information from an information center where nobody is? Nevertheless, I decided to go in hoping White and Bella awaited. As I touched the door to open it, the dark brown door was a little bit wet as if it swelled with the moisture in the air. That humidity had me recollect a certain TV program. The TV program was a cartoon for children. A 6-year-old boy watched TV. That boy was me. That cartoon's story was a simple. A man was to go somewhere. I couldn't remember where he wanted to go. He tried to go out, but whenever he tried, he recalled something. That was, for example, whether turning off the light or not, whether locking a door or not. It was like that. Finally he made everything right and he was happy, but no sooner did he open the door than it started raining. Eventually, he couldn't go out. When I was six years old, that story was just funny. As 30 years passed, the face of the man in that cartoon still lingered in me. In the last scene, his eyes gazed straight at me, of course he didn't gaze at me. However, his eyes caught me. I was caught. It symbolized the conversion from happiness to desperation. A dark brown door, which wasn't related to the cartoon made me remember my childhood. I sighed. Then, I opened the door.

Temporarily, I couldn't get where I was. Certainly, I opened the door of the information center. However, behind the door was completely different from what I thought. I stood on a hill. In brief, I went out outside after opening the door. As I turned back, there was nothing behind me. Wildflowers were in bloom as if asserted there was no building there in the first place. If so, it was certain that I had come through this door. Was I dreaming? I hit my cheek lightly. The soft pain was spread. My nerves electrified it to my brain. My skin was tensed, telling me that I was not dreaming, but it made me more confused. I didn't know what to do. For the time being, I sat there. Like a fool, I embarrassed myself. Why didn't I conceive to do an alternative? Sitting, it was ridiculous.
After spending time sitting there for a minute, I found it was where I had been to. I knew that place. Nevertheless, I couldn't remember where this was. Where I stood seemed to be the highest point of the hill. From there, I could see a brook. The brook was winding down the hill. It made me think about the lapse of time, now, then, where we stood. That was the time between me and others, White, Bella, my wife, my friends and ex-friends. I considered whether the time I spent was equivalent to the time others spent. If it was equivalent, why did we go so far. Why we are destined to apart.? If it wasn't, what was different? I didn't make it clear. One thing I can say, or know, is that we're destined to apart if no matter how closely we were together. The brook made me think such a pedantic and pessimistic notion and it also made me want to go along it. If time was like a brook, I wanted to know what was waiting. I itched to know. Curiosity to know was absent in me for a long time.

"How many things do I want to know?" I thought.

Maybe there was nothing I wanted to know. I just wanted to think about me. The priority was always myself. I went down the hill, and reached the brook. The stream of the brook was clear, the bottom could be seen. It doesn't resemble me, my wife. My life was always opaque. Lying to myself I lived out everything. However, now I want to see what is waiting for me at the end of the brook.

After ten minute or so, I saw the end of the brook. That was a quiet ending. The stream turned into a whirl and bubbles emerged from it then went out. It's like a lapse of time. We were born, then we die. We go through past to future, it's mandatory. Didn't I say? No one could resist. We were lost and found. But, in fact, what have we ever found? Didn't we just on losing eventually? The whirl was spinning, as well as this world does. Does my wife still remember our talk about world atlases? Maybe she doesn't. Bubbles kept on emerging and disappearing. I sat down watching that movement mechanically. Lost and found. If so, lost was to be found at the information center. It should be. At that time, I remembered. Guessing there was the information center, I was lost at the information center.

"Hey, you are so sentimental, aren't you?"
Abruptly talked to, I was so astonished.
"Take it easy. You remember me, don't you?"
Actually, I couldn't recollect his face. No, we've never met before. But, he seemed not to care about it absolutely. I hesitated to tell him I couldn't remember him, and finally decided to refrain from telling him. This was such an eccentric place that it was no wonder eccentrics things happened. Even if someone who I thought I'd never met talked to me, it's not so odd. Rather, it often happens in our everyday life, doesn't it? Also, the man who talked to me was not so singular, at least in looks. He was just an elderly man. I didn't want to betray his expectance.
"Of course, I remember." Of course, I didn't.
"Good. You are a good boy."
"Boy is that me?"
"Yes, who else would I be mentioning?"
"But I'm not the age to be called 'boy'."
"That doesn't matter. I want to call you 'boy'. That is enough."
The elderly man sat down beside me, and kept on speaking. Some of his speaking I couldn't understand. Why is water transparent? Why does water freeze into ice at 0℃? I didn't have an idea about these questions. But he never cared about my replies. It was as if he talked to a rock. In the first place he didn't expect to hear replies, just to keep on talking had a meaning to him.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I want to ask you a question."
"Sure. Go ahead."
"Where are we? I don't think I'm dead."
"Yeah, you aren't dead. Vice versa, I'm dead."
"Um, what?"
"That is that. I'm dead, you aren't dead. As I said, that is that. What difference exist between living and dying? You've just said where you are, however, do you always know where we are and you're going to ahead? No. It's as same as life. Hey, look at me. Am I different from you?"
"No."
"I know. Yeah, that is that. You see? Nevertheless, differences exist between us. If you insist, there is a difference between our inner parts. You can make it?"
"No."
"Actually, I don't quite know. However, when you see me, what do you see?"
"What?"
"WHAT DO YOU SEE?"
"Sorry, I'm at a loss what to say... what do you mean?"
"You see me. But I don't see you literally."
I began to become confused. My head started to ache.
"Is this philosophy class?"
"O-key-do-key, that is to say, dying means seeing. Seeing others."
"Finally, I can't be convinced. Is that so important? I see you. Doesn't it mean I see others?"
"In a way, yes. On the other hand, no. But I can say as long as you live, you might not understand. It's a big difference, but it makes little difference."
"OK, I want to ask you again. Where are we?" Asked I. The elderly man sighed.
"Didn't you come from the park? Then, isn't this a park?"
"No."
"Yes, it is."
"No way! I went through the door of the information center that has a green field?"
"Well, how can you say this isn't the information center that has green field within it? The deeper you see inside, the more you can't see. It's just like diving into the sea. You just can't see, so you can't believe it. However, the seabed absolutely exists, even if you can't see it. There is no sea has no seabed. Dying is a little similar to this talk. You see everything but you don't see anything. Only after you have died, can you see everything. Anyway, this is a part of the park."
"You mean, what we see is what we don't see?"
"Yes, that is almost correct."
"Nonetheless, I should look for my son and daughter. Then I'll come back."
"Of course you should, but I think you should look for yourself first. And as I said, this is a part of the park. You didn't go anywhere. Actually, you can't go anywhere you can't go."
As he said, he sat up, then began walking.
"Come on, let's find yourself."
He began walking away from me.

I hurried to follow him. He and I continued to walk for 30 minutes or more, I had no clue to know where we were. But tall trees began to appear, the landscape around us gradually change color, and the premonition of a dense forest could be felt. He walked two steps ahead of me. I guessed who he was. He said he had died. And he said he knew me, too. Nonetheless, I didn't know him. But, I felt like I knew him. Indeed, have I met him before? If so, where? When had we met? I couldn't imagine at all. As I thought, he abruptly stopped walking. Without notice, we walked on a gravel path, and it led through the forest. There was a thick forest around us. Above our heads, the branches reached out like forming a ceiling so that we almost couldn't see the sky. And I remembered I had been there before. In my childhood, the shadows of leaves on my face, the rays of sunlight through the branches... who had I been with... who was he? I saw the man who had white hair. He never turned back to me. He kept on looking forward. Like seeing through everything. He had said, "dying means seeing". I tried to see over the end of road. It was filled with sunlight. I wasn't able to see anything except for sunshine. Maybe there weren't branches over there. Was he seeing what I wasn't? He wasn't in my memory. However, he might see or know what I do not. That was that.
"Boy, I can't go further with you. From here, you should go alone." He told me. Then I nodded.
He asked me to shake hands. I held his hand. The leaves rustled over our head. I saw his eyes. Shadows of me were swimming in the seabed existing in his eyes. Deep blue, deep silence, I was there. I could see myself by looking into his eyes.
At that time, noises reached me. The noises reached me. In the deep ocean, I suddenly felt like I was choking. Craving to breath, I was astonished by the noises. The noises certainly preyed upon me, and I can remembered that entity. All of a sudden, someone was shaking my shoulder. It got me to return to the dense forest.
"Boy, are you fine?" The older man asked me. I stood on the ground.
"Yes, perhaps." I replied.
"I must tell you one thing. He must return. And he's searching for you."
"What's? Who do you mean?"
"You must know! If I told you who he is, you can be traced by him. I can't explain to you, though I wish I could."
"Well, anyway, it's threatening to me, isn't it?"
"Yes, definitely, inevitably, one way to escape from him is to find yourself before he finds you."
"I see. I don't know who he is, but I'll find myself and my children as you mentioned."
"Good. Then, go. You should have all tasks done by the time night comes. He hides in the dark in the nights. When the dark comes, you can't escape. That means the end."
I nodded and turned around.
"Boy, you mustn't look back from here."
"OK, but how far does it continue?"
"By the time you find yourself."
"OK. Thanks. I'll go."
I took a step forward. My footmark was printed on witty roads. Every moment was printed on the line of lapse like my footmarks. I stepped. So, where did my memories go? I stepped. If they were inscribed, they were never lost even if they were forgotten. I stepped. How about mine? At that time, the face of the older man appeared in my mind. I stepped. I just understood who he was. He was my old memory, wasn't he? I stepped. Didn't he say that he was dead? Didn't he want to mean that he was lost, lost from my memory?

I stopped.

He said why water is transparent. That is, that was, my question. Once I asked him those question. He was my old doll. When I was alone, I was always with him. He might be a doll, but I can't recollect what kind of character he was. I guessed he had been a dog, maybe. He had been absolutely lost from my mind, which meant that he was dead. I was right that I had never seen his face. In fact, I had never seen him. Dying is seeing, he remarked. An older man might be the his real appearance. That doesn't mean a lot, as he said. That is that. I tried to look back, but I managed not to, remembering his remarks. I wondered if it was goodbye. If so, I wanted to talk with him more about everything that was lost from my mind. In front of me, the rays of sunlight sparsely cast lights on the gravel path. As I saw the scenery, I was certain that this wasn't goodbye. The lights were never lost, even if we're in the dark forest. Like there are no sea has no seabed.

I walked for twenty or thirty minute. While I kept on walking, no sounds could be heard except for my footsteps. I followed what the older man, my lost memory, told me to do. I never looked back, but kept on looking straight forward. In the long distance, I barely saw the lights. It might be a reflection of the drip of water on the leaves. Strangely, as long as I walked, that lights never came close. The path of greenwood seemed that it would continue forever till I died. The sweat was pouring off from my back. I even felt cold. Suddenly, in front of me, someone crossed. It seemed to be a child, whose age might be about 8, or so. He went into the bush in to the side of me. I spontaneously chased him. I didn't know whether he was an opponent or an adversary to me. However, I don't want to miss any opportunities to meet someone like the older man. If he was my lost memory, I want to know what he signified. Now I craved for myself, like I once had. I plowed my way through the bush. He ran so fast. I almost suffocated. When I was a child, I couldn't run so fast like him. Always I had envied fast runners in my childhood. I hadn't wanted to disappoint my parents, so I ran everyday to overtake everyone, everything. However, they didn't like me. I can't remember their smile. Do I hate them? Actually, I don't. Nonetheless, I had a sense of guilty. I couldn't reward their expectations.
AS I ran, gradually the distance between him and me was extended. Then, no sooner could I run anymore that I reached a vacant space. Some trees were standing around. And the season there seemed to be fall. At that time I noticed seasons had passed since I came here. At first, when I entered through the door of the information center, this world was spring. And while I was with the older man, the season might have been summer. Now this place seemed to be fall. The leaves of trees were red and yellow. Scattered leaves on the ground were like a carpet. I looked around, but the boy I chased wasn't there. However, I found one thing at the vacant space, which turned out to not be vacant. One bench was there. Surrounded by trees, the bench was like a forgotten legacy of history. It seemed a long time had passed since it had been forgotten, but the chair was in beautiful condition as if it were painted the day before. The bench had a rusty long pole on its right side, like a chimney of a devastated factory. I got closer to the bench. As I headed for, the leaves around there abruptly rustled so loud. I couldn't help but stop my steps. I looked around, of course I obeyed what the older man had said to me, trying not to look back, if something wrong had happened. The time limit the older man mentioned was until I arrived at the vacant space, I couldn't certify where the sun was. As a result, I couldn't guess what time it was, too. I found the sun was definitely about to sink. Maybe it was about 3 pm or 4 pm. The time remaining for me was about 2 hours at most. To make matters worse, I still hadn't find my children. Just 2 hours! What a little time! I wanted to wail. The situation was desperate. I even felt dizzy. I pressed forehead with thumbs and forefinger. With my eyes closed, I sat down on the bench. Once I sat down, nothing could be heard except for rustling of the leaves. It made me feel as if I were the only human being surviving in the world. I thought that wasn't saying too much because I was uncertain if there were others. It even doubted that my children were. The world where I was was too inorganic. Everything I saw seemed to be rusty. And everything was too vivid, too. It's like an overly emphasized outline. I couldn't know why I felt like that, but it was what I perceived. Everything in that world now reminded me of a melody of Gymnopedies, composed by Erik Satie. It was consummated beautifully and perfectly, but it simultaneously disregards or dispenses with tonality. I thought the world I was in belonged to an aggregation, an aggregation which was constituted of lives, time and memories. It resembles one big tower, and we are the corkscrew staircase. That tower will continue forever until all of us living in the world are extinct. I'm a member of that sequence. Everyone is a member of that sequence. Unchanged truth, it is. And, my children, White and Bella are a sequence, too. The sequence continued from me and my wife. The sequence, my family was in that sequence. And there was someone who broke it. That was me. Did I cherish them? Have I ever shown gratitude to them? No, I haven't. I always regarded them as a nuisance. At first when I found my wife had become pregnant, was I happy? Did I want to be a parent? Such questions popped up, then popped away in mind. I thought about my parents. Were they happy with me? I always failed to reciprocate to their expectation. I always did my best. However the results were always miserable. My first failure was when I was 6 years old. At that age, I took an examination to enter into a famous elementary school. I studied hard and my parents supported me so much, I wanted to pass it at any costs. But the results was contrast to our expectation. From then, no matter how hard I tried my best, I couldn't be earnest. I was afraid of making mistakes. Gradually, our relationship deteriorated. Eventually, I came to regard myself as a failure. "Sorry." I uttered, not intending to tell anybody. At that time, I heard someone's steps were approaching me.

I was so astonished and frightened. Why I was frightened was because of the entity the older man mentioned to me. I didn't quite know about it, but I didn't think it was beneficial for me. So, I tried to hide myself behind the trees, but I couldn't. I wasn't able to move my body. The footsteps got louder and louder. The interval between each of the stomping sound was very short, might he or she, possibly another living thing, be running. I closed my eyes. Finally someone or something stood in front me, I heard it panting. Then it sat on me. Sat? I opened my eyes. A little child was sitting on me. It was me, when I was 6 years old. And I also understood why I couldn't move myself. I changed myself into the bench. I looked at my childhood me from the right side. I remembered the bench had a long pole with its right side. I guessed my point of view was set on that pole. Why I could remember him, the one who was sitting on me, was me at 6 years old, was from his clothes. His clothes were that I wore for the examination. I guessed he was on the way home. Where are my parents? If I could, I didn't want to meet them. I knew what had happened to me was not real. Nothing would affect me. Nothing would change future. Everything was done. I divorced my wife. I have been estranged to my parents. Failures I made can not be changed. Failure is failure for ever and ever. No matter what this world intended to show me, it would change nothing. I knew what would happen to my parents. I knew everything. I knew that both of my father and mother would die. They died. Soon after I married to my ex-wife, they both died due to car accident. I couldn't tell them that we had a child. I couldn't tell that they would become grandparents. Everything was done. Nothing can be changed.
As I looked at me from my childhood, he beckoned someone. Of course, my parents were there. I looked at them. They were still in their thirties. Both my father and my mother wore suits. They sat on me too. Side by side they sat on, the left was my mother, on the right was my father. They smiled at each other while chatting about something trivial. Nobody knew at that time that everything went wrong from then. What did they think? If I succeeded in passing the exam, would the future be better than what it was? My parents didn't have to die due to car accident? I looked at me, of course, the 6-year-old-me. He smiled innocently. That was the me lost a long time ago. Abruptly he pointed at something. I looked at where he directed. There was a cat, which had tortoise colored hair. It seemed to be still to be still a kitten, still little. He carefully got at the cat. The cat stared at him. Its round yellow eyes resembled the moon. How come children involved in such tiny things, like chasing butter-flies, walking on ridges, watching fires. Where did I lose such emotions, ambitions? The cat gradually reached to the boy. He stroked the kitten silently. I looked at my parents. They looked at me and smiled. Then, my father began to speak. No, he didn't speak. However his voice was heard in my mind.

"Jack , you're so well-done."

What? What did he say? Where was his voice heard? After that, I also heard my mother's voice.

"Hum... is he able to pass the exam?"

I felt my stomach tense. Sorry, I couldn't. I murmured in my mind. But next words she said were surprising.

"Whether he succeeds or not, Jack did very well."

What were they thinking? Didn't they think I flunked?

"I'm going to buy something for Jack as a reward, what do you think he wants?"
My father asked my mother. Words were flowing from his mouth like smoke. It emerged, like vapor.
"Well, he adores stuffed animals, perhaps the bear. Can you remember it? We saw, well, at Joe's Market."
"Yeah, he didn't express his feeling but you could see that he wanted it."
"Then keep it secret from Jack. Be sure, OK?"
"OK."

However, I knew that my father eventually would disclose it. I didn't remember it clearly, but he accidentally mentioned it. He was really not good at keeping secrets. And it made me remember that that stuffed bear was presented to me by my parents. Then he appeared in front of me as an older man. Yes, he was the present given to me by my parents. However, I don't quite know why he appeared. Just to save me? The boy still kept on stroking the cat as if it was the only treasure he had. My father and mother looked at him stroking and smiled. I can't imagine a more comfortable scene than that. How calm but warm the atmosphere was. Once I was in such a beautiful world. And I was told that my parents didn't hate me, at least, in the first place. They definitely loved me. They said I did well, they praised me. I thought failure was the inception, but it wasn't.

"If..." Suddenly my father voice rung in my head.
"If I were a real father of him." I was stunned what he had said. He said he wasn't real father of mine? I had never known it. They had never told me. They had never notified me. Abruptly the boy quit stroking the cat, then sat up and looked at me. I wasn't sure whether he looked at me, but I felt his feeling toward me. He smiled at me. At that time, everything was becoming blurry. My father, my mother, the boy, the cat, was fading away.
I couldn't help but try to touch my parents. Of course, I couldn't move my body, so maybe it was only my imagination. Nonetheless, I saw them looking at me too, as well as the boy. My father uttered something, but I couldn't hear what he said. No sooner did I touch my parents that they vanished from in front of me. Were they smiling? I wanted to hear my father's voice again, as well as unheard voice. Then, other footsteps were heard. I still couldn't my body. I was obligated to stay calm like a monolith on an isolated hill. Appearing from behind the tree was, me in my twenties, and, to my surprise, my ex-wife.

They walked toward me with their arms crossed over each other. Frankly speaking, it made me chuckle. Now that we were divorced, it seemed our relationship could not be regarded as a good one. But she and I were there as we had been. They smiled at each other. When was that scene? I tried to recollect. I assumed it was a day in our early twenties. Our marriage was when we were 23. That scene happened before that. We had our first baby soon after our graduation. They might be still university students.
"Hey, were you happy?" I asked her though I couldn't say the words. When did we begin to collapse? No, it was up to me. I began to be irritated with her first. I was envious of her. Because I was never satisfied with everything. I attempted to substitute missing piece with her. Ridiculous. It couldn't be.
"Are you happy?" I, who lived a long time ago, asked her.
"Yes, why not?" She replied. Yes, you were happy, and you are unhappy, because of me.
I remembered the last talk we had before our divorce.
"You don't know anything." She said to me. How did I respond?
"What about?" I might have said.
"Everything. How I spend time, what I want or don't want, how much I'm, no, was concerned about..."
"The time has come. It's over." And it was the end as she said. We were finished, and now I'm alone.
In my head, her no-uttered voices flowed.
"Thank you." She said to me, of course me who lived a long time ago, I couldn't understand at first. Why does she express gratitude? And, when was it that I told her my gratitude last? Now I can't even remember, but I guess it was when White was born. To be honest, I didn't want to be a farther. I wanted to be with my ex-wife more. However I couldn't convey what I thought to her. She wanted to be a mother, and I obeyed. There were so many people who expected us to be parents, but why? I was satisfied if she was with me. Then, her voices were flowing again in my head.
"Thank you." Yeah, I heard that before, what's that about? She continued.
"Thank you for choosing me." She said, certainly. They approached me though I was a bench at that time. Then, they sat down on me. I wish I could shout out loudly. I wanted to talk with her. I want to tell me that go to see my parents as soon as he could. In front of me, I who was in my early twenties spoke something absurd. She listened to me carefully. The thing I talked about was not so interesting, I felt even it was irritating. So pedantic, so noxious, he certainly made light of others. Sometimes there were lies, very tiny like sand, but grains of sand were visible, at least to me. In those days, many people gathered around me. Why did they, and what for did they? How come I was so flimsy? I heard her voices again.
"Why? Don't you believe me?" Then, she said.
"I know you're afraid. Don't lie anymore." She continued. Every word she said pierced me terribly. Deeply it stabbed me. My arms, my legs, my back, my chest was injured. And I knew it was pain she had felt in those days. She noticed my lies, even the ones I didn't noticed. I couldn't hear any voices, mine or hers. Though she even noticed my lies, she said.
"Thank you."
Why? They sat up and walked away somewhere. Why? Why? Why? I repeated in my head. Then, footsteps were heard behind the trees. I wasn't astonished anymore. I could guess who would appear. And my presumption was right. Who appeared were my ex-wife, my children, and I. My face was full of fatigue. Under my face, I could see tedium. And I knew that tedium was my ego. That ego was misleading that I worked for my family. In fact, I worked for myself. To be proud of myself, to be thought of as a good father, to be superior to others. To me, to go out with my family was a waste of time at that time. Did I love my family? No. Why didn't I love my family? Was I just busy? No. Certainly I was busy, but I made myself because I didn't want to spend time with my family. I was afraid to be with them. If I was with them, I thought I was seen through. My ex-wife, children and I sat down on me.
"Why was he so boring?" She murmured.
Of course, she didn't say it, but I wanted her to say it for me. If she said it, everything would change. If I noticed my mistakes, everything could rewind. I could save me. I could save her. I could save my children.
"Doesn't he love us anymore?" She almost cried. She must have been crying inside all the time.
"Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I moved my body. That time, I could do it. My right arm was under my control. I reached her. I touched her shoulder. No sooner she turned back to me, my sight was turning around. Then, everything vanished. She, my children and I, spun around in my sight, turned into yellow and were swallowed like a basin under a waterfall.

Then, I found I stood alone in a white room.

In a white room I was, no windows were there. However, one door was set in the wall. The door was made of wood. What kind of tree was used to make it? I didn't know. One thing I knew was that I was no longer a bench. I noticed by moving my right arm. Though that white room didn't have any windows nor equipment. Inside the room was bright like a sunny room. I stared at the door. It gave me a sense of premonition, but it gave me a good omen at the same time. I entered through the door. The room resembles life. All human beings were born like opening doors to enter into each room, or assuming the world is one room, every human being opens the same door as they are born. We spend time in the room till we pass away, and when the time has come, we leave the room and open the door again. Then, what will happen outside the room? What will wait for us? In front of me, there was the door knob. Spontaneously I set myself ready to face who, or what, just entered into the room. The door was opened. And who appeared in front of me was my ex-wife.

"Hello." That was the first word she said. She talked to me as if she never met me before. I wished we hadn't been. However, her appearance was what I knew. As old as she was, she lost her youth though she was still beautiful. I didn't reply to her. Can you imagine? If you met a person who you never dreamed of, what would you think? Her emergence even frightened me. She gradually approached me. The more she came close to me, the more my heartbeat sped up. What does she want to say? Why should she emerge?
"You seem to be surprised." Said she. I didn't reply again.
Finally, she stood just before my eyes. She stared at me. As well as the older man's eyes reflected my appearance, her eyes caught me in them.
"Won't you respond to me? As well as the times we spend together?"
"Are you, no, were you my wife? You are a lady who I know?"
"Yes, but you don't know about me at all."
"Does that mean that I haven't been trying to know you more?"
"Yes. And you never reveal yourself to me. You didn't let me understand you. You were always in a shell. Nobody could get in."
Was in a shell? It reminded me of the seabed again. I saw the deep ocean in the older man's eyes. Is there a correlation?
"Did you hear my voice when I was with you?" She asked me.
"No. I didn't hear nor contemplate or your grieving. Actually, I heard nothing."
"I know. However, now I can see you and hear you."
"That doesn't make any difference. Why couldn't you notice sooner?"
As she said this, she began to shed tears. Then, the white room's lights became dim. The room was gloomy. I could hardly see her face. However, I could feel her entity. She was there as a mass. What was she made of? I couldn't make it clear, nobody could make it. Nonetheless, I wanted to reach my hands toward her. I was quite sure that this time was the last time I could touch her, otherwise I would never ever get to her. I would never. i reached toward her. I wish I could know how she felt when we were together. She always listened to me whole-heartedly. She was always by my side. It was I who left her mind. I left her mind in this empty white room. There was no furniture, lives, windows or lights, only one door. I was the one who could open that door and I didn't. I touched something cold. It denied me. My hands were hurt like touching dry ice, but I didn't stop holding it.
"I'm sorry." I spontaneously uttered again and again. Who did I intend to convey my apologies? Of course, to her, but not only to her did I intend to, I thought. I might convey to whoever I lied to or betrayed. How long did it pass? The room got its lights back gradually. She turned her face down. I held her hands with my hands. Her tears were falling down on the floor. As her tears fell, the floor of the white room illuminated like a ripple. The ripple expanded along the wall and finally ended at the center of the ceiling. Her hands weren't like dry ice anymore, though they were still cold. Now there was an indication that heat would come back. Silence came. We didn't utter for a long time.

"When I first met you," she abruptly spoke out, "you said something about a world atlases, didn't you?"
"I did."
"Do you remember what you said?"
"Honestly, I don't."
Then she smiled at me. It had been so long since I saw she smiles. It gave me a sense of spring.
"You told the truth this time. You had just asked me to lend it to you."
"Well, is that what I said?"
"It was."
Then, the door knob made a sound. I felt my back tense.
"You should leave as soon as possible."
"But what will you do?"
"I'm OK. He only chases you."
"Well, you also mention him."
She held my hands tightly. I felt something was handed, but I couldn't certify what was that cause she held my hand so tightly. I recollected long time ago. She had used to hold my hands like she did at that time. As I thought, I wanted to shed tears. I sorted of cry. I wanted to be with her longer. Nonetheless, I knew I couldn't do that.
"The time has come." I said.
She said that verse when she had proposed divorcing. It had had curtain fallen. However, I considered it would give us another chances. If we wouldn't meet anymore, everything could be better than it had been, I thought. I couldn't tell everything was fine, but everything was in its right places. At least, for her, something would change. The knob of door spun. And she said,
"Thank you for choosing me."
Then everything became blurry.

As I awoke, I found myself laying down on the ground. I was where I had been when I was chasing a little child resembling me. However, I couldn't find the bench there. I opened my palm. A flower was on my palm. That flower told me it wasn't a dream. It probably wasn't real either. Then, which was it? One thing I could say was the flower was in my hand. I could see it. I thought that was enough reason to convince myself. If nothing changed, that didn't mean I didn't change. Then I found something that was changing besides myself. I saw the sun was falling. The sky definitely got darker than before I had come. What was worse, I felt something bad was searching for me. I didn't know why but I knew he was crawling in the dark. The time limit was almost there. I hurriedly woke up, and ran. Where should I head for? I remembered that I came at the empty space while I walked on the path the older man had directed. I decided to get back to that path. Once I got back, the distance was surprisingly short. It only took me two minute. Where did I run? I began to run on the way toward I had headed for.
"Where am I running?" I repeated in my mind. In that world, I eventually didn't know where I was. However, it is equivalent to where we are on. Nobody knows where we run. Who can say? I was running. I was alive. One thing I knew was that. So that I could say I couldn't see anything. If I could see everything, I wouldn't run.
"I'm alive." It means that I can change everything. In other words, nothing can be seen. It wasn't what we the older man wanted to say, maybe, but for me, it could be interrupted as such. Didn't he want to tell me that he wasn't able to change. He told me that he couldn't go further with me, didn't he? I guessed he couldn't go out where he should stay. He regarded it as death, and so did I. Then I noticed that they all lived in my mind and they would never live in the future. They were destined to live in my memory. A simple story it was. There was nowhere but inside me. Maybe I was still in the park as the older man told me. I tried to see through the end of that road. Still I couldn't certify it, but the sky was getting darker and darker.
"Can I really make it?" I asked myself. I considered about White and Bella.
"What had I done for them?" In my childhood, my parents gave me a lot of expectation. I had suffered from a sense of self-reproach resulting from that expectation. However, that expectation reflected off love. Now I got it. My parents definitely cherished me. How about me? I didn't cherish them. This is the last time I can reward them. I inhaled cold air. It seemed that the season was winter. It was the last season in a year. It seemed that as I stepped the trees became withered. In the winter, lives fall asleep. Otherwise, lives pass away. There is a feeling that winter brings death. However, the cold air of winter is the clearest air of all seasons. Lives that pass away sink deep inside the ground. Our planet purifies everything. Then we welcome the spring. Lives wake up again. We all reincarnated. However, this moment would never be again. In fact, returning doesn't exist.
"We can live just once." I murmured.
"I should search out my children."
Then, I felt something was behind me. Still it was distance between it and me, but I could feel the entity. He glared at me, but of course I couldn't certify it. He also seemed to feel my being. No sooner did he notice me that he began to chase me faster. The speed was astounding. Or should I have called it splendid? Anyway, he chased me. I estimated he would overtake me in five minute. I conceived to hide myself, but it seemed to be meaningless. He could search me out from so far away. It seemed to be inevitable to be found by him. I decided to keep on running. I was already out of breath, but it didn't matter at all. The situation was desperate. It didn't matter at all, too. As I ran, I felt my body became lighter. I also saw one light. I thought it was the end of the path. And he finally caught me in his eyes. In his eyes, I was reflected. The shadows of me was running. He smirked as if he found prey for his dinner. And it didn't matter at all. I ran. He ran too. He ran. I ran. He ran. The light was in front of me. Someone was there, in the light. He saw someone beckoning to him. He reached his right hand to me. Someone stretched out a hand. I reached out my hand, too. And I jumped for the light. His right arm swished the air. Then, I dove into the light. I heard something burst open on my back. And the first since I had parted with older man, I looked back.

There was another world. Before I dove into the light, I ran in the forest. There was no more forest. I stood on a shore. However, I was still in the light. Near where I stood, there was a lake. The night had fallen. Here and there, lights like candles were dimly lit. I thought if this was the world after death, it should be something like that. I also thought it was not bad to die if there were such a calm place. I looked out over. Far distance, there were shadows of mountain. Or just looked like that. Not only mountains but he was there. He was near where I was. He sunk into the shadows by the lake. He was a mass of words. Like a snake, the words weaved, building up a human figure. He still reached his right arm for me. However it seemed he couldn't get in the light. I looked at his arm. SORRY constituted his right arm. Then he stretched out his left arm. WAS I GUILTY? His left arm signified. I looked at his face, and he shed tears. Of course, the tears were words, too. TEARS, TEARS, TEARS, TEARS, they flowed from holes in his face. As I glanced at him, I became terribly sorry. I remembered I had the flower, which my wife gave me.
"You want something?" I asked him.
Words gathered. PLEASE, he told. Or should I say, he signified. I threw out the flower to him. Words changed its form into HURRY, and it caught the flower. He said to me, THANK YOU. Then I fainted. When I was about to faint, I thought I might see his words converting to another words which had S on the first letter.

"Daddy, you are sleeping again!"
I heard Bella's nagging. Bella? Bella was there!! I jumped up to my feet. I was in the room. However, it didn't seem to be the white one.
"Where did you go? No matter how long I waited for you, you didn't come back. So I came here, and now you've fallen asleep. I'm appalled."
Bella was there. Of course, behind Bella, there was White. They were all safe.
"Sorry. But I want to ask you, where did you go?"
"I went to the restroom. Then, I found a boy whose name was Bob." White replied.
"Well, then?"
"He was looking for his mother and father. I helped him."
"I joined them after you disappeared, Daddy!" Bella shouted. Eventually, I was the only one who was lost. I shrugged.
"Hey, did you finally find Bob's parent?" I asked them while sitting down again.
"Maybe." Said White.
"It sounds so uncertain."
"Yes. However, I thought we had done it. We found Bob's parents, but suddenly Bob vanished."
"Strange, it was."
"It was. Nonetheless, Bob's parents said to us they really appreciate us." Bella said. She's really glib-tongued, I thought.
"Dad, where did you go?" White asked me. I choked up. Where was I? I also asked someone. However, I decided to borrow the older man's expression.
"I didn't go anywhere except here, the information center. You can't go anywhere you can't go."
"What's that?" They asked me.
"Once my friend said this to me. Leave that aside. Aren't you hungry?"
As I asked, they looked to each other. Then they shouted out.
"We are!!!!"
"Then let's go out to eat something."
Yes, let's go out to eat something. I repeated in my mind. White and Bella dashed to the door, and opened it. The ray of sunlight was so bright that I couldn't open my eyes for a little while until my eyes were accustomed. I couldn't see anything. However, White and Bella held my hands. They hurried to me.
"Pleas don't rush me so much." I said to them. I couldn't see them, but I knew they were there. Once I had seen them, but I hadn't seen them at the same time. I could see.
"What do you want to eat?" I asked them.
"I'd like to eat hamburger yesterday!" Bella scolded White. Yes, he ate a hamburger the previous day. What kind of foods did my wife prepare for us? I remembered. She was always devoted to us though once I was disgusted by it. However, I wanted to meet my wife again. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I also wanted to meet my parents. This wish could be never in reality, though.
"White, today we're going to eat something special." I opened my eyes a little. The shine was slipping into my eyes. Someone was beckoning to me. The light will never fade away, if you miss it. When you can't see the light, you just miss it. We're living. We can't see everything, but it is right. We can change everything. I hid the sun with my palm. The sun was glowing behind my palm.