An Announcement chapter10

Story about Jack's pilgrim

They walked toward me with their arms crossed over each other. Frankly speaking, it made me chuckle. Now that we were divorced, it seemed our relationship could not be regarded as a good one. But she and I were there as we had been. They smiled at each other. When was that scene? I tried to recollect. I assumed it was a day in our early twenties. Our marriage was when we were 23. That scene happened before that. We had our first baby soon after our graduation. They might be still university students.
"Hey, were you happy?" I asked her though I couldn't say the words. When did we begin to collapse? No, it was up to me. I began to be irritated with her first. I was envious of her. Because I was never satisfied with everything. I attempted to substitute missing piece with her. Ridiculous. It couldn't be.
"Are you happy?" I, who lived a long time ago, asked her.
"Yes, why not?" She replied. Yes, you were happy, and you are unhappy, because of me.
I remembered the last talk we had before our divorce.
"You don't know anything." She said to me. How did I respond?
"What about?" I might have said.
"Everything. How I spend time, what I want or don't want, how much I'm, no, was concerned about..."
"The time has come. It's over." And it was the end as she said. We were finished, and now I'm alone.
In my head, her no-uttered voices flowed.
"Thank you." She said to me, of course me who lived a long time ago, I couldn't understand at first. Why does she express gratitude? And, when was it that I told her my gratitude last? Now I can't even remember, but I guess it was when White was born. To be honest, I didn't want to be a farther. I wanted to be with my ex-wife more. However I couldn't convey what I thought to her. She wanted to be a mother, and I obeyed. There were so many people who expected us to be parents, but why? I was satisfied if she was with me. Then, her voices were flowing again in my head.
"Thank you." Yeah, I heard that before, what's that about? She continued.
"Thank you for choosing me." She said, certainly. They approached me though I was a bench at that time. Then, they sat down on me. I wish I could shout out loudly. I wanted to talk with her. I want to tell me that go to see my parents as soon as he could. In front of me, I who was in my early twenties spoke something absurd. She listened to me carefully. The thing I talked about was not so interesting, I felt even it was irritating. So pedantic, so noxious, he certainly made light of others. Sometimes there were lies, very tiny like sand, but grains of sand were visible, at least to me. In those days, many people gathered around me. Why did they, and what for did they? How come I was so flimsy? I heard her voices again.
"Why? Don't you believe me?" Then, she said.
"I know you're afraid. Don't lie anymore." She continued. Every word she said pierced me terribly. Deeply it stabbed me. My arms, my legs, my back, my chest was injured. And I knew it was pain she had felt in those days. She noticed my lies, even the ones I didn't noticed. I couldn't hear any voices, mine or hers. Though she even noticed my lies, she said.
"Thank you."
Why? They sat up and walked away somewhere. Why? Why? Why? I repeated in my head. Then, footsteps were heard behind the trees. I wasn't astonished anymore. I could guess who would appear. And my presumption was right. Who appeared were my ex-wife, my children, and I. My face was full of fatigue. Under my face, I could see tedium. And I knew that tedium was my ego. That ego was misleading that I worked for my family. In fact, I worked for myself. To be proud of myself, to be thought of as a good father, to be superior to others. To me, to go out with my family was a waste of time at that time. Did I love my family? No. Why didn't I love my family? Was I just busy? No. Certainly I was busy, but I made myself because I didn't want to spend time with my family. I was afraid to be with them. If I was with them, I thought I was seen through. My ex-wife, children and I sat down on me.
"Why was he so boring?" She murmured.
Of course, she didn't say it, but I wanted her to say it for me. If she said it, everything would change. If I noticed my mistakes, everything could rewind. I could save me. I could save her. I could save my children.
"Doesn't he love us anymore?" She almost cried. She must have been crying inside all the time.
"Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I moved my body. That time, I could do it. My right arm was under my control. I reached her. I touched her shoulder. No sooner she turned back to me, my sight was turning around. Then, everything vanished. She, my children and I, spun around in my sight, turned into yellow and were swallowed like a basin under a waterfall.

Then, I found I stood alone in a white room.